Ignorance hinders understanding

I always find it so fucked up that we have paths. That regardless of how many different routes there are to the ultimate destination of death, we can only ever really walk on one path at a time. It's safe to say that I get bored easy but it will forever scare me that I will only be able to experience a handful of professions, a handful of people, a handful of emotions. If there was only enough time to walk every other road that had ever been made, is there potential that we as a society would understand eachother more and hurt eachother less. Our ignorance is what blinds our understanding and I have always said that it terrifies me that there's potential that any day in my future, I will meet someone that there's a chance I will spend the rest of my life with. I will wake up next to that one person every day until the day I die and that is fucked up. Why can't we all just have a little dip into someone else's bowl to see if there's is better. It's not about not being able to love someone forever or not being able to find contentment in what I'm doing. It's more specifically about making sure that what we are doing is what we really love. #shitbefucked

I can't stop writing retarded poetry.

If pain were a sport, you'd be a gold medalist
because the way I feel now, I need a therapist
Like a vortex that drags in its lonely victim
then spits them out, like a pattern, a system.
The uncontrollable emotions I feel, like a burst water pipe
as if there's something missing, you should be on Skype.
I know it sounds stupid but it was love at first sight
and now I'm in love but you're not here to hold me at night.
Like an addiction to drugs or a desire to drink
I want you in my life alot more than you think
Because the nights are so cold and I feel more alone
There was always the distance but now it's just grown.
300 k's, 4 hours away
The phone calls, the visits, it made it okay.
But now it feels like we're a world apart
and there's no bigger gap than the one in my heart

UPDATE: Okay, so i just turned this into a song and recorded it and I feel like a fucking freak. I need everyone to understand that this is not what I'm normally like.

passing smiles or friends for life.

I have alot going on in my life right now and it finally all hit me tonight. So I decided to drive to the tallest hill in Albury, where you can see the entire town and just cry. As I looked over this place I now call my home, after every tear that I shed and the brief moments of clear vision I had, it dawned on me that none of the people in the cars going by or in the houses whose lights created patterns on the ground, know the pain I'm going through nor do I know theirs.

We live in a crazy world where everybody goes about their day, passing hundreds of people that they've never seen before and probably will never see again. A world so vast and populated, yet so small and tight knit. We go through our days bumping into people, throwing around 'excuse mes' and 'sorry's' and exchanges of small smiles out of politeness, only to be going home to the same person, texting the same people and sharing our lives with that comparatively minute group of people we call our friends and family.  

So as I looked out over the people who I already have something in common with, my home, I was stuck wondering if maybe I have more in common with them. If we actually felt the same pain, found joy in the same thing and were somehow connected. I was also left considering even smaller details, like if we were from the same place, studied the same course, liked the same music. If we would be bestfriends if we ever met, if we would be lovers. 

The thing that scares me the most about this world, is that somewhere out there in this 7 billion strong place we call earht, there'd be that perfect group of friends, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect colleagues. Yet, I will never meet them. I won't be able to share my pain with them and heal together and love together. 

So as each person pulled into their driveway or switched off their lights ending their day, I was left to hope that maybe we'll meet another time and not just share a passing 'excuse me' or polite smile. We'll meet properly and actually learn if we share the same pain that was the reason I was sitting there watching them through tear-blurred vision. 

Cee-Lo, you're psychic

Whether it is due to the ‘genetic lottery’ or that of my acquired critical attitude, I, Sarah, am misanthropic, apathetic and malevolent. Perhaps something went wrong in the womb or something went wrong in my life, but generally, I have a complete hate for people which in turn alters the relationships I have with people.

It is often assumed that when I tell people ‘I don’t like having many friends’ that it is just an excuse to make up for the fact that I don’t have many friends, but the truth is that because I am so critical and dislike the majority of society, it not only results in me not wanting to associate with many people, but impacts the relationships I do have. 

Yet, there are instances where it is necessary for me to get along with those around me, at work and school for instance that I must suppress my general dislike for the world and attempt to get along with people in the most appropriate way.

Cee-Lo’s song, which for the sake of appropriateness, will be referred to as the radio edit ‘Forget You’ is one that I like to consider the song of my life. However, instead of only aiming the chorus as people who are ‘driving ‘round town with the girl I love’ or those who think ‘the change in my pocket isn’t enough’; I direct it at everybody I know. A part of being misanthropic is being mean and this is where a lot of the tension in my friendships and between my enemy and me stems from. When I was younger, I would describe it as constructive criticism but the reality is that it is just pure mean-ness. Most of the time, I don’t realise how mean I am to others but there are instances where I have genuinely damaged people as a result of my bullying and I used to sit back and think ‘how did I get so good at this?’ Now, I am no sociopath, in hindsight, I know that I do awful things and now, as an 18 year old, it’s nowhere near as awful as it was. These days, it’s subconscious snide remarks and hurtful comments that leave my mouth without going through my mind.

Most people connect apathy, malevolence and misanthropy with sociopathy and psychopathy but I believe they are very different things. Whilst a critical person with very few people that I like, I recognise that these are bad qualities. However; a sociopath is seen as someone who has no sympathy or empathy for peoples’ sadness and pain, whereas apathy is having no general excitement for other people’s achievements and times of joy. A sociopath wants to go out of their way to hurt others and inflict pain on those they hate whereas misanthropy and malevolence is just having hatred or dislike for mankind.

Having a general hate for the world and particularly the majority of people I know is a hindrance on the relationships or potential relationships I have with people. Although it is seen that I use my hate as an excuse to cover up the fact that I don’t have many friendships, it is more so a result of not wanting to be friends with people due to my criticalness of people. Sociopathy is often a diagnosis that friends and family give to me, yet hate and malice are two separate things and although hate is the driving force of malice, the two can be independent. There are times when I need to supress my dislike for people in order to keep the environment tension free and comfortable and this tends to show that sacrifice can be required to keep the peace. 

I am Jesus

I don't know what I'm doing here and I don't know how muffled I sound when I'm talking to you whilst facing the other direction. In this world full of variety and seemingly endless opportunities, it seems rather daunting that one of the dozens of religions is the right one.

Like many people, I spent some years with a foot on each side of the line. One foot for Jesus, where I could believe and receive. The other foot for atheism. Where I considered it a place to party, sleep around and not care about anyone.

Until one day, I decided to take a step back from the starting line and quit the race.
Religion is that type of thing where, unless you're apart of it, it seems like the stupidest thing on the planet. How could people believe such a thing? How are people, in a world where our entire aim is to find answers, settle with an open ended solution? I feel like alot of my blog actually discusses things that have no answers or things that I just don't have an answer too, so you may not be surprised when I tell you I have no answer for this. Maybe I could suggest that I'm Jesus and that there is no other being because I'm beautiful and perfect. But, I'm too modest.

Religion is nothing to me. I'm not atheist, I'm not christian, I'm not Muslim. I'm a new religion called 'I don't even give a fuck' - recruitment process is tough. You don't need to promise to blow up your country or attend a ceremony once a week to eat somebodies replicated blood and skin but you do need to honestly not care.

I guess the fact of the matter is that errybod gon' do their own thing and ain't nobody gon' change dat.
If y'all need Jesus then y'all have Jesus