Sometimes I wouldn't mind a different life. If not for the opportunity to get away from the hell hole I find myself living in, then perhaps to find a new appreciation for the life I have.
As I sit in the back room of my best friends house, whilst everyone sleeps and the only noise I can hear is that of the heater blowing hot air into the atmosphere and the clanging of the keys as I put my fingers on each particular key, I can't help but think 'is this how it's going to be forever'
I'm almost certain that the majority of people living in the western world have heard the saying 'someone out there has it worse than you' but sometimes it feels like our lives are the only ones that are important. It's almost an attempt to downplay the issues we face everyday and although it's said in good spirit to try and convince someone that their issues are not the worst in the world, all it leaves an individual with is the feeling of inadequacy and guilt.
If my attempt to use big words and a wide vocabulary has caused my point of view to become a muffled collaboration of words than I apologise; so let me explain further.
This is not a post that has the intention to complain about every little detail and issue in life but rather one that presents the very strong argument of wether it really does 'get better'. It's almost as though are lives are set for us and choices along the way may be made by our own self but the end result was destined to be.
I regularly find myself questioning where i'll be in 10 years time. Will my most unlikely dream of having two children by 27, a successful career in midwifery and an amazing relationship with a wealthy man be my future, or will I be living in the ghetto and have a job that barely keeps food on the table for ,well, just me.
It is often said that 'what ifs?' and 'i wonders' are potentially the most dangerous questions and statements to be said so is being caught up on what will happen and not what is happening the wrong thing to do? even if living in the moment could be the most depressing thing in the world, at least to me.
I understand that answers for these types of questions and queries are obviously un-answerable but are they not just like dreams and aspirations and the things we want to happen.
So whilst at this very moment in time I am sitting alone in a dark room that is situated in the back of a small-average sized property, barely able to move without a sound echoing throughout the house, maybe one day I'll be in my mansion, living the life long dreams and plans I make for myself. or i'll be lonely with 27 cats* crying about all the things I could and should have done. Just kidding, i'll kill myself if that ever happens
Time will tell.
*I don't get why it's 27 cats. It's always 27 cats. Maybe it's a sign that i'll only have 3 cats but they all have 9 lives so that makes 27. fuck society making trends about the number of cats i'll have. I'll have as many cats as I want you cunts. Fuck that shit, i'll have 24 cats, okay bitches!
