passing smiles or friends for life.

I have alot going on in my life right now and it finally all hit me tonight. So I decided to drive to the tallest hill in Albury, where you can see the entire town and just cry. As I looked over this place I now call my home, after every tear that I shed and the brief moments of clear vision I had, it dawned on me that none of the people in the cars going by or in the houses whose lights created patterns on the ground, know the pain I'm going through nor do I know theirs.

We live in a crazy world where everybody goes about their day, passing hundreds of people that they've never seen before and probably will never see again. A world so vast and populated, yet so small and tight knit. We go through our days bumping into people, throwing around 'excuse mes' and 'sorry's' and exchanges of small smiles out of politeness, only to be going home to the same person, texting the same people and sharing our lives with that comparatively minute group of people we call our friends and family.  

So as I looked out over the people who I already have something in common with, my home, I was stuck wondering if maybe I have more in common with them. If we actually felt the same pain, found joy in the same thing and were somehow connected. I was also left considering even smaller details, like if we were from the same place, studied the same course, liked the same music. If we would be bestfriends if we ever met, if we would be lovers. 

The thing that scares me the most about this world, is that somewhere out there in this 7 billion strong place we call earht, there'd be that perfect group of friends, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect colleagues. Yet, I will never meet them. I won't be able to share my pain with them and heal together and love together. 

So as each person pulled into their driveway or switched off their lights ending their day, I was left to hope that maybe we'll meet another time and not just share a passing 'excuse me' or polite smile. We'll meet properly and actually learn if we share the same pain that was the reason I was sitting there watching them through tear-blurred vision. 

Cee-Lo, you're psychic

Whether it is due to the ‘genetic lottery’ or that of my acquired critical attitude, I, Sarah, am misanthropic, apathetic and malevolent. Perhaps something went wrong in the womb or something went wrong in my life, but generally, I have a complete hate for people which in turn alters the relationships I have with people.

It is often assumed that when I tell people ‘I don’t like having many friends’ that it is just an excuse to make up for the fact that I don’t have many friends, but the truth is that because I am so critical and dislike the majority of society, it not only results in me not wanting to associate with many people, but impacts the relationships I do have. 

Yet, there are instances where it is necessary for me to get along with those around me, at work and school for instance that I must suppress my general dislike for the world and attempt to get along with people in the most appropriate way.

Cee-Lo’s song, which for the sake of appropriateness, will be referred to as the radio edit ‘Forget You’ is one that I like to consider the song of my life. However, instead of only aiming the chorus as people who are ‘driving ‘round town with the girl I love’ or those who think ‘the change in my pocket isn’t enough’; I direct it at everybody I know. A part of being misanthropic is being mean and this is where a lot of the tension in my friendships and between my enemy and me stems from. When I was younger, I would describe it as constructive criticism but the reality is that it is just pure mean-ness. Most of the time, I don’t realise how mean I am to others but there are instances where I have genuinely damaged people as a result of my bullying and I used to sit back and think ‘how did I get so good at this?’ Now, I am no sociopath, in hindsight, I know that I do awful things and now, as an 18 year old, it’s nowhere near as awful as it was. These days, it’s subconscious snide remarks and hurtful comments that leave my mouth without going through my mind.

Most people connect apathy, malevolence and misanthropy with sociopathy and psychopathy but I believe they are very different things. Whilst a critical person with very few people that I like, I recognise that these are bad qualities. However; a sociopath is seen as someone who has no sympathy or empathy for peoples’ sadness and pain, whereas apathy is having no general excitement for other people’s achievements and times of joy. A sociopath wants to go out of their way to hurt others and inflict pain on those they hate whereas misanthropy and malevolence is just having hatred or dislike for mankind.

Having a general hate for the world and particularly the majority of people I know is a hindrance on the relationships or potential relationships I have with people. Although it is seen that I use my hate as an excuse to cover up the fact that I don’t have many friendships, it is more so a result of not wanting to be friends with people due to my criticalness of people. Sociopathy is often a diagnosis that friends and family give to me, yet hate and malice are two separate things and although hate is the driving force of malice, the two can be independent. There are times when I need to supress my dislike for people in order to keep the environment tension free and comfortable and this tends to show that sacrifice can be required to keep the peace.