Suicide and the assumption of 'it gets better'

Sorry I haven’t been here in a while. I don’t even know who I’m apologising to, there’s like what, 15 of you who are following this?

Anyway, the reason I haven’t been here for a while is because on the forth of august, a 13 year old girl whom I coached in basketball and soccer committed suicide. I wouldn’t say I haven’t been here because I haven’t been coping but realistically, there’s nothing to cope with. I haven’t been here because I have been deciphering the meaning to all this and suicide itself. So with that said, this post is in memory of T.S.K. It may ruffle a few feathers because it is such a rough and raw topic for many but opinions are always personal and you don’t have to agree with them.

I think people who say suicide is selfish are selfish themselves. We constantly pump into generations that there is always hope and suicide is not the answer and obviously people wonder if it is but, what if it actually is? Or is everyone who did truly deep down wonder that dead? Of course when someone dies it leaves such a hole in not only many lives but many places. There’s places I can’t go without thinking of the people I’ve lost. But the thing is, who are we to tell someone that it will get better. One cannot understand everything occurring in another’s life, so how can we make the assumption that it will actually get better?

I myself would only do such a thing if my curiosity about my future was to subside, but I do not think I am done yet. Expecting someone to continue living in such pain is a selfish act. Of all the people I know who have succeeded at their attempts; they were all getting treatment for their mental state. Maybe it doesn’t get better though?

Don’t get me wrong, this is not a post about how ‘awful my life is’ or how if you are down, you should end it just incase it doesn’t get better. Not at all! This is a post that comes from the alternative view on the issue.  When suicide occurs, psychologists say there are numerous stages of response. The first being denial. The second being sadness and the third being anger. How can one be angry at someone else because they couldn’t cope with the issues they had. That too, is selfish,

I am not one to say that suicide is ALWAYS the right option, but I think you know when you’re in an unbearable amount of pain and sometimes the circumstances are entirely understandable.

I’m going the leave with this.

I’ve experienced some pretty traumatic events in my life. I promise one day I will share in further detail what those are but for now it isn’t appropriate. When I was in year 7, I attempted suicide numerous times. I practically lived in a psych ward for a bit. I don’t regret it. I’m not ‘happy’ I lived because in all honesty, I don’t care. My life was awful at the time and I didn’t think it would get better. Infact, I didn’t care if it would get better, all I cared about was it not getting worse or platueing. Who are we as people to decide when a person can or cannot live. The declaration of human rights states that all humans ‘have a right to live’ so why don’t they have ‘a right to die’

Life is our own and although with the ending of it, many are impacted. Recovering from a death is possible, living in pain forever is not.

R.I.P Tess. I hope that wherever you are, you don’t regret the decision and you are happy. We will all see you soon one day and you can tell us all stories about how much mess you make up there. You were a beautiful girl and it was an honour coaching you. Many people miss you, but I understand. I hope your pain ended.

The art of deception

When I was younger and didn't want any more dinner, my mum would slide her fork down the middle of the plate and tell me to eat one half and then I could go. She'd continue to do that until there was a mouthful of food on the plate and it would be pointless to waste. I'm sure all parents have done something of the sort to their kid, heck! I did it to my younger siblings until they were old enough to realise that there were no consequences. Although an extremely mild example, this world is plagued with deception and as a result, it's a fairly difficult accomplishment to become even somewhat of a down to earth, no 'bullshit' type of person.

We're always told to get to the root of the issue if change is to be achieved and in the case of deception, it is almost necessary to start at the seemingly trivial issue of the events during childhood. Posts on the internet that insinuate that we have a right to lie to our parents as they did to us very often when growing up in situations such as Santa, Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy display the obvious yet beneficial lies we grow up with (but who doesn't like presents, chocolate and money?) yet the problem is so much deeper and concealed than that. 

My 10 year old sister often takes cigarettes out of my mums packets and waves them around and puts them in her mouth. She is only 2 years shy of when I first started myself. I remember mum telling me as an attempt to scare us kids out of smoking that the reason she was so crazy was because she stole a cigarette off her mum when she was a teenager and her mum had poisoned it. Obviously, this was not enough to scare me but it is proof of how many lies are in our lives.

We are genuinely surrounded my deceiving advertisements on TV and on billboards. 

- 'Get the perfect skin ten days for $39.95*'

*perfect skin will not occur as this is impossible, no refunds, no exchanges. $97 postage and handling. Terms and Conditions apply.

- 'Try the Celery Diet and keep the weight off*'

*Weight will come back on if you have anything other than celery ever again. Terms and Conditions apply.

- 'Avoid running out of credit and switch to a plan, it's cheaper*'

* Only cheaper if you use your phone 200% less than originally when on pre paid. If you go over your plan you will owe the company more money that you've ever seen on a bank statement of yours and you will have alot of issues with us, the carrier. Terms and Conditions apply.

Our desires and fears are used in order to trick us into doing or not doing things. We are surrounded by deception and lies and this in turn rubs off onto us at a very young age.

'Sarah, did you steal my credit card and buy $600 dollars worth of phone credit' (true story)

'No dad' (yes Dad)

'Sarah, did you go into my bedroom and take my mascara'

'No Suzie' (yes Suzie)

'Sarah, did you do your homework'

'Yes miss, but I left it at home' (No miss, but I'm sure you're going to believe that excuse because you've never heard it before)

I am a compulsive liar, that is a definite but I don't put this down to nature, this one belongs in the nurture part of 'the book of reasoning to Sarah's behaviour' - 

The movie 'The Invention of Lying' resulted in me leaving the cinemas with the question 'Where did lying actually stem from' and it made me come to a conclusion of that in this day and age, it is just a 'normal' behaviour and like talking, walking, reading and writing which are also normal behaviours, it is acquired from the observation and education of and from others. 

Deception will not be eradicated because that's impossible. How will the retail sector and beauty product business' survive. 

Who the fuck is society to make the rules

You know what annoys me? The definition of 'normal'
not because of the compiled words that tell us what normal is but because what of what defined normal.
A basic dictionary is capable to inform anyone of the definition but for anyone who is too lazy, which is most people, here it is.
'the usual, average, or typical state or condition'

Who defines what is normal? Who said being skinny is normal? Who said that wearing clothes is normal? Who made the rule that if you take valium every day it's abnormal? WHO THE FUCK HAS THE RIGHT TO SAY WHAT IS NORMAL AND WHAT ISN'T.
Excuse the anger and aggravation in this post but it just frustrates me to an unexplainable state that society can put labels on things as 'right and wrong' and 'normal and abnormal'

It's incredibly dangerous to label things. It causes seperations of communities and people in general and can ruin a persons entire self worth.
I am not skinny, I am not the most fashionable person alive, I love getting absoloutly wasted whenever I have the opportunity to, I like sex with people I don't particularly care much for and I enjoy being a complete dickhead whenever I want to. I'm not ashamed of it because I don't think it's abnormal. No one has a right to tell anyone what is normal. Well, unless you're the police because then you can get arrested, but that's not the point.

To be honest, I've only touched on the subject very lightly, but it goes so far beyond what i'm saying. I genuinly believe that the concept of normality is what causes so many wars and so many differences within populations and is potentially the most dangerous thing on earth.
I'm tired, it's late, I hate everyone and I'm going to bed.
fuck the world and their stupid rules and definitions.
fuck everybody

living vs existing

There was once a time in my life when I was so miserable and feeling so hopeless that I would spend my entire day sorting through the patches of grass near my property looking for four leaf clovers. Most of the time, I came home with a few and I would then put them into a seal lock bag with a piece of paper that had all my wishes on there. Usually, being a fairly superstitious person, I wouldn't tell you the wishes but considering the fact that the most important one has come true, I think it's okay to do so. I don't really remember them all, just the top wish, the one that belonged to the biggest clover.
'Make me happy'

However, I don't know if being happy is really all it's jacked up to be. For a very long time, when I finally sorted my life out, I actually wanted to be miserable again. I wanted something bad to happen in my life again so I could go back to square one. I wonder whether that was because at the time, when I was 'happy' and had bouts of sadness, I didn't feel it was justified seeing I had moved on from my past or whether it was because I'd known what the feeling of hopelessness felt like and was more comfortable sitting in my own pool of sadness rather than that of joy.

On my bedroom wall, I have a poster which has all these different questions (http://thoughtquestions.com/) and one of those is this;

Sometimes I wonder if we're even 'living' when we're happy and whether we're merely 'existing' when we're miserable. 

Wrinkles and Retirement

In an attempt to distract me from the past, I tend to focus on the future alot. That often, that I frequently miss out on alot of spontaneity and living in the moment. People always tell me I plan to much; which is true. But ironically, I'm also very un-organised.

In my plans, my future consists of wealth, happiness and growing to an old age. However, that got me thinking that when everyone thinks of their future, they always just assume they're going to grow old and prosperous.

Australias female life expectancy is that of around 84 and with all variations kept in consideration like the how the indigenous life expectancy is around 15 years less and the rate of fatal incidents.

But what if we don't grow old. What if we're one of those people that don't actually reach the age of wrinkles and retirement. We may die of cancer, a car accident or just a freak incident. But we usually don't even consider that this could possibly occur in our lives.

I questioned someone on their thoughts on this possibility and they just said 'We never consider that happening because we fear it' - Maybe like we fear looking back on the painful things in our life, we fear looking forward at the potential hurt.

I'd like to have all the answers in this world but realistically, I don't  And now all I can do is consider the options rather than be ignorant.