homesick

I recently moved out of home.
two weeks ago, today, infact!
Before I left, I was telling people that I was moving 4 hours away and all they kept saying was 'how brave I was' - and all I kept thinking was; 'It's not brave?'

Now I know exactly what they meant.
It was a pretty quick decision. I mean, I was always looking into moving out after school but once I started looking into it, I kind of realised that I would never be able to afford it.
So about 3 and a half weeks ago, I decided to apply for Nursing in Albury-Wodonga, that same day I was accepted and two days later I was up here looking for accomodation. Three days later, my lease application got accepted and within a week, I was in my new apartment. So I never really got much of a chance to think about what it's going to be like and what will happen.

I sort of had this theory that I'd move here, instantly make friends and I'd love it. But the reality is quite the opposite. I didn't know anyone when I came, and I still don't. I know it's only been 2 weeks, but you would think I would at least be in that stage of 'potential friends' with someone by now.

I always just told myself that I am really good with change and I will adapt easy. And honestly, I have adapted alot easier than the majority of people in my situation would have. My whole life has changed basically. I have a new job, a new house, a new town and a whole new school too. I know nobody here and it's all completely different from back in Melbourne. And I'm coping. Some times it's hard, really hard. and sometimes I am enjoying myself.

I didn't really know what I was in for when I decided to move, so now I'm here, I really do understand why everyone considered my decision to move as bravery.
It was pretty brave and I'm having to be strong everyday to try and overcome the overwhelming feelings of loneliness and homesickness.

I love my course, I love my house. But sometimes I wonder if I should have considered that I love my friends, my family and my old life even more. There are definitely times where I've regretted the decision to move. It's gotten easier with each passing day though!

The one thing I will never get used to, and thank god for that, is the way people speak here. The constant usage of the, I'm not going to say it's a word because that would offend the english language, but the term 'yous' and how most people say 'everythingk' and 'somethingk' - please learn how to talk properly.

Beaten Women Syndrome and Production lines of Emotional Processes

I know it sounds terrible, but it really bothers me when I read, hear or see people with worse lives than me. 
The reason I say this at this point in time is because I just watched a documentary about the exploitation of children in the USA into commercial sex trade i.e prostitution through pimps - called 'Very Young Girls'

As unbelievable as it may seem, there's lots of my life that I haven't actually posted about. Of course, I didn't have a pimp who sold me on the streets, but there's some things that I will probably never post on this blog. However; in context. I look at peoples' lives in documentaries like 'Bully' and books like 'broken' by Shy Keenan and I just can't help but wish I had experienced more than I have. I think, without sounding a certain way in terms of self pity, it's not hard to notice that there have been plenty of things in my life that no one should have to go through let alone a child. But now I'm over it/not in it any more, I kind of want it back. 

I think I feel this way because I wish I had something to justify the way I feel now. What I mean by that, is that sometimes I feel like because I have made it through everything and I have a pretty good life right now, I don't really have a right to complain or a right to feel sad.

Not only do I wish my life was still terrible and/or I could go back to 2007 emotions because I want justification of my feelings, but I also miss that life. The only way I can think of explaining it is the 'beaten woman syndrome' - When woman who are beaten by their husbands/boyfriends still go back to them despite the abuse. I don't know why woman want to go back and I don't know why I want to either. I know it's a ridiculous thing to say, because I seem to have what so many people are looking for; which is a good present life. 

I can't pinpoint why I miss the feelings of depression, why I miss the self harm and suicide idealisations/attempts or why I crave the emotions I experienced back when it was really bad. I feel like the way people treat us on the journey from our most critical, sensitive time as the wounds are fresh and we're just starting our pursuit of happiness to the point where we actually achieve a sense of contentment is similar to that of a production line (and yes, I mean the type in a factory). It's almost as though, once you get to the stage of the journey that I am now seen to be at, no one really cares anymore. In the beginning, when people first meet you at your lowest point, they're there for you, always wanting to help you and talk through your problems with you. Then; once you're happy/'fixed'/better, they leave, going on to the next person/product. But it's like they're not there when the person/product becomes faulty. I know that sounds stupid. Comparing the road to happiness through the support of others to a production line, but in 'long story-short terms', all I'm saying is that people don't care about you once you recover. 

Maybe I wish my life had been worse, or was currently worse because I want the feeling of being loved and cared about by people back. I don't entirely think it can be classified as 'sympathy seeking' but rather missing the treatment people gave me when they knew how awful my life was and how messed up I was from it. Or maybe I just wish my life had been worse, or was currently worse because I'm fucked in the head. 

I look at these children and these teenagers and these women who have their lives spread all over a documentary book/TV show/website and I know their lives are so much worse than mine, whether it be currently or previously and I find it hard to not be repressed back into the feelings of wanting to go back to the critical points in life, where I had to deal with wanting to die everyday and wondering when I can get my next hit or my next experience. 

It's almost like we wan't what we don't have. I'm happy, I want sad. I was sad, I wanted happy. 

Worst Rollercoaster Ever

I'm not usually one to complain; just kidding, I complain all the time but it feels like the past few months have been a mixture of hell and happiness. I usually despise people who, only one month into the year, make a prediction on how the rest of the year is going to be according to how good or bad January has been. However; right now, it's all I seem to be doing. Ever since leaving school, I've been riding one of the most intense and crazy emotional roller coasters possible.
Honestly, even just sitting here trying to work out how to write it makes me emotional because it has been one of the most overwhelming periods of time in a very very long time.

So I finished school about mid November, 2 weeks after turning 18 and getting my drivers license. Quickly left for schoolies in Bali. It was seriously amazing. One of the top ten experiences in my life. Shortly after returning, we received our ATARs, which to put simply, was truly a horrible experience. On Christmas Eve, the car I had been driving was suddenly taken away from me because my older step sister needed a car and as the car was her mums, it was given to her. Then, I went camping over NYE and it was incredible. So much fun, words cannot describe it. After coming home from that and just have a couple of weeks to hang out and see friends, drive up to Sydney with my dad and back, life was looking up. In the meantime, I had found a place in Bundoora to move into, as La Trobe was the university I was sure I was going to get into because the course I had chosen was 10 points under my ATAR. I had also arranged a transfer with work.
Then, uni preferences came out and I got into Deakin which is in Burwood. So I no longer had a place to live or a job to move to.
So, all this happened. This continuance of something going wrong and then me having to make a back up plan and then that going wrong to. In addition to all this, I don't know if anyone has experienced it but having your license, a social life and no car is possibly one of the hardest, most emotionally frustrating things in the world.

Anyway, about two weeks ago, I got kicked out of home because of my rude as fuck step mum always getting her way. Tonight was the first night I had spent with them for my older step brothers birthday since being kicked out. My step brother also got his car today, which he paid for with inheritance (where as I had to work for my money for my car and the only reason I don't have one is because no one is around to help me find one and everyone I've looked at has been awful) and his dad picked the car out for him. Ontop of this, he has had his license for a month less than me, failed 4 times and since having his license, already swerved the car onto the other side of the road on a freeway and crashed a car.
So that really set me off tonight as everybody was 'wow-ing' over his new car and how perfect it was and my step sister driving off in the car that I deserved.

There is so much more to the story but I think this is adequate for now

I don't really know what to say. Sorry I've been slack with posting, it's just been a really intense few months. I just wanted to fill errybody in. So whatever.

ATAR? More like fuckya

I don't even know what to write right now! I'm genuinely at a loss for words.
I get it guys 'your ATAR isn't the end of the world' but I genuinely feel like I'm going through the stages of grief right now. Like I've lost my ten year plan!
Stage one - denial. This involved avoiding the fact that I got a shit result for two hours

Stage two - concern. This consisted on not being able to stop thinking about ho w this is going to affect my life

Step three - severe depression. I'm about twenty minutes away from this

I haven't slept, haven't eaten and feel sicker than I ever have. My head feels like there's a helicopter inside it and I haven't been able to stop crying for longer than twenty minutes. I've been chain smoking my lungs away and can't even tell my dad my score because I never ever want to see his face display disappointment. I texted him when I found out and was curled up in a ball sulking saying 'you're going to hate me. I hate myself'

My english result was nowhere near what I expected and there was not one 'A' for any subject. I understand it- 'you only get what you work for' but I thought I worked harder than this. It's like, I tried so hard to turn my life around and stay in school. And then I get this. It's not even enough to get into the pathway course of just nursing. Anywhere. Unless I want to move to Sheparton where I will die before I hit second year.

I don't even know. I guess it's time to hit the vodka and never stop.
I can't even stop this, I didn't think it was possible to get so low.
I never expected this. Not once did it cross my mind that I would get below 70.
I don't even know what to do.
I guess I seem like I'm over reacting but I'm legitimately in the most overwhelmed state right now. And not in a good way.
Sorry, you probably don't want to hear all this. You probably don't care.
Hopefully I can become anorexic because Obvs don't have the brains so now I need the beauty.
W@T I$ L¥F?

Sonder

This has always been something that has played on my mind. Okay, not always but at least since I was 14.

I remember asking my friends 'do you guys ever walk home or sit in the car with your parents and watch the people go by and think 'I will never see you again' or 'you could die tonight'?' and their response was 'no, that's just weird'

I always carefully studied those driving past in the quick 2 second I had and gave them all individual back stories.

'This woman has 3 children under 10 and works in real estate. She is driving her luxurious Audi back to Beaumaris to relieve her nanny and put her children to bed whilst her husband is interstate working'

'This man just lost his father to a sudden illness. He has no children, no wife and now, no family!'

'This P plater is hot. However, he doesn't know it and is now going home to avoid all mirrors because his self-esteem is in the ground'

Yet, it was never their back story that intrigued me. It was their future. Where they were going now and later. Whether they would live through the night or be the tragic news headline stating '3 dead in car crash'. Whether they're happy or sad. If they ever felt the emotions I felt. If they were rich or poor. Had children and a spouse. 

It's hard to comprehend that we are merely one person amongst 7 billion others. It's scary aswell. To think that we will never meet, see or know the majority of them. That people are going about their day, perhaps seeing us drive by in a quick instant or getting a chance to know us, or even never being aware of our existence. 

Oh life, it's so cloudy.