ATAR? More like fuckya

I don't even know what to write right now! I'm genuinely at a loss for words.
I get it guys 'your ATAR isn't the end of the world' but I genuinely feel like I'm going through the stages of grief right now. Like I've lost my ten year plan!
Stage one - denial. This involved avoiding the fact that I got a shit result for two hours

Stage two - concern. This consisted on not being able to stop thinking about ho w this is going to affect my life

Step three - severe depression. I'm about twenty minutes away from this

I haven't slept, haven't eaten and feel sicker than I ever have. My head feels like there's a helicopter inside it and I haven't been able to stop crying for longer than twenty minutes. I've been chain smoking my lungs away and can't even tell my dad my score because I never ever want to see his face display disappointment. I texted him when I found out and was curled up in a ball sulking saying 'you're going to hate me. I hate myself'

My english result was nowhere near what I expected and there was not one 'A' for any subject. I understand it- 'you only get what you work for' but I thought I worked harder than this. It's like, I tried so hard to turn my life around and stay in school. And then I get this. It's not even enough to get into the pathway course of just nursing. Anywhere. Unless I want to move to Sheparton where I will die before I hit second year.

I don't even know. I guess it's time to hit the vodka and never stop.
I can't even stop this, I didn't think it was possible to get so low.
I never expected this. Not once did it cross my mind that I would get below 70.
I don't even know what to do.
I guess I seem like I'm over reacting but I'm legitimately in the most overwhelmed state right now. And not in a good way.
Sorry, you probably don't want to hear all this. You probably don't care.
Hopefully I can become anorexic because Obvs don't have the brains so now I need the beauty.
W@T I$ L¥F?

Sonder

This has always been something that has played on my mind. Okay, not always but at least since I was 14.

I remember asking my friends 'do you guys ever walk home or sit in the car with your parents and watch the people go by and think 'I will never see you again' or 'you could die tonight'?' and their response was 'no, that's just weird'

I always carefully studied those driving past in the quick 2 second I had and gave them all individual back stories.

'This woman has 3 children under 10 and works in real estate. She is driving her luxurious Audi back to Beaumaris to relieve her nanny and put her children to bed whilst her husband is interstate working'

'This man just lost his father to a sudden illness. He has no children, no wife and now, no family!'

'This P plater is hot. However, he doesn't know it and is now going home to avoid all mirrors because his self-esteem is in the ground'

Yet, it was never their back story that intrigued me. It was their future. Where they were going now and later. Whether they would live through the night or be the tragic news headline stating '3 dead in car crash'. Whether they're happy or sad. If they ever felt the emotions I felt. If they were rich or poor. Had children and a spouse. 

It's hard to comprehend that we are merely one person amongst 7 billion others. It's scary aswell. To think that we will never meet, see or know the majority of them. That people are going about their day, perhaps seeing us drive by in a quick instant or getting a chance to know us, or even never being aware of our existence. 

Oh life, it's so cloudy.