homesick

I recently moved out of home.
two weeks ago, today, infact!
Before I left, I was telling people that I was moving 4 hours away and all they kept saying was 'how brave I was' - and all I kept thinking was; 'It's not brave?'

Now I know exactly what they meant.
It was a pretty quick decision. I mean, I was always looking into moving out after school but once I started looking into it, I kind of realised that I would never be able to afford it.
So about 3 and a half weeks ago, I decided to apply for Nursing in Albury-Wodonga, that same day I was accepted and two days later I was up here looking for accomodation. Three days later, my lease application got accepted and within a week, I was in my new apartment. So I never really got much of a chance to think about what it's going to be like and what will happen.

I sort of had this theory that I'd move here, instantly make friends and I'd love it. But the reality is quite the opposite. I didn't know anyone when I came, and I still don't. I know it's only been 2 weeks, but you would think I would at least be in that stage of 'potential friends' with someone by now.

I always just told myself that I am really good with change and I will adapt easy. And honestly, I have adapted alot easier than the majority of people in my situation would have. My whole life has changed basically. I have a new job, a new house, a new town and a whole new school too. I know nobody here and it's all completely different from back in Melbourne. And I'm coping. Some times it's hard, really hard. and sometimes I am enjoying myself.

I didn't really know what I was in for when I decided to move, so now I'm here, I really do understand why everyone considered my decision to move as bravery.
It was pretty brave and I'm having to be strong everyday to try and overcome the overwhelming feelings of loneliness and homesickness.

I love my course, I love my house. But sometimes I wonder if I should have considered that I love my friends, my family and my old life even more. There are definitely times where I've regretted the decision to move. It's gotten easier with each passing day though!

The one thing I will never get used to, and thank god for that, is the way people speak here. The constant usage of the, I'm not going to say it's a word because that would offend the english language, but the term 'yous' and how most people say 'everythingk' and 'somethingk' - please learn how to talk properly.

Beaten Women Syndrome and Production lines of Emotional Processes

I know it sounds terrible, but it really bothers me when I read, hear or see people with worse lives than me. 
The reason I say this at this point in time is because I just watched a documentary about the exploitation of children in the USA into commercial sex trade i.e prostitution through pimps - called 'Very Young Girls'

As unbelievable as it may seem, there's lots of my life that I haven't actually posted about. Of course, I didn't have a pimp who sold me on the streets, but there's some things that I will probably never post on this blog. However; in context. I look at peoples' lives in documentaries like 'Bully' and books like 'broken' by Shy Keenan and I just can't help but wish I had experienced more than I have. I think, without sounding a certain way in terms of self pity, it's not hard to notice that there have been plenty of things in my life that no one should have to go through let alone a child. But now I'm over it/not in it any more, I kind of want it back. 

I think I feel this way because I wish I had something to justify the way I feel now. What I mean by that, is that sometimes I feel like because I have made it through everything and I have a pretty good life right now, I don't really have a right to complain or a right to feel sad.

Not only do I wish my life was still terrible and/or I could go back to 2007 emotions because I want justification of my feelings, but I also miss that life. The only way I can think of explaining it is the 'beaten woman syndrome' - When woman who are beaten by their husbands/boyfriends still go back to them despite the abuse. I don't know why woman want to go back and I don't know why I want to either. I know it's a ridiculous thing to say, because I seem to have what so many people are looking for; which is a good present life. 

I can't pinpoint why I miss the feelings of depression, why I miss the self harm and suicide idealisations/attempts or why I crave the emotions I experienced back when it was really bad. I feel like the way people treat us on the journey from our most critical, sensitive time as the wounds are fresh and we're just starting our pursuit of happiness to the point where we actually achieve a sense of contentment is similar to that of a production line (and yes, I mean the type in a factory). It's almost as though, once you get to the stage of the journey that I am now seen to be at, no one really cares anymore. In the beginning, when people first meet you at your lowest point, they're there for you, always wanting to help you and talk through your problems with you. Then; once you're happy/'fixed'/better, they leave, going on to the next person/product. But it's like they're not there when the person/product becomes faulty. I know that sounds stupid. Comparing the road to happiness through the support of others to a production line, but in 'long story-short terms', all I'm saying is that people don't care about you once you recover. 

Maybe I wish my life had been worse, or was currently worse because I want the feeling of being loved and cared about by people back. I don't entirely think it can be classified as 'sympathy seeking' but rather missing the treatment people gave me when they knew how awful my life was and how messed up I was from it. Or maybe I just wish my life had been worse, or was currently worse because I'm fucked in the head. 

I look at these children and these teenagers and these women who have their lives spread all over a documentary book/TV show/website and I know their lives are so much worse than mine, whether it be currently or previously and I find it hard to not be repressed back into the feelings of wanting to go back to the critical points in life, where I had to deal with wanting to die everyday and wondering when I can get my next hit or my next experience. 

It's almost like we wan't what we don't have. I'm happy, I want sad. I was sad, I wanted happy.