Every time I log off my normal Gmail account and into this anonymous one, I for some reason hope and genuinely consider the possibility that my view count has dramatically risen and aknifeinagunfight has become popular. Not for the popularity and that high you get when you know people like you, but so I know I'm being heard. I think that's what everyone really wants though. Some people self harm so that their voice can be noticed. Others are over confident and loud, so someone acknowledges what they're saying. Others are humble and patiently waiting for their chance for someone to listen.
Ever since I was little, I always thought that my thoughts were not normal. I know in previous posts, I've mentioned my past sociopathic tendencies, but this is not what I mean. I always considered my opinion on things to be mature for my age and in some cases, mature for any age. When I was 7, I was asking myself who I am. How someone can adopt a personality and how we came about to exist. It never did and still doesn't make sense to me. When I was 12, I was thinking about suicide. Life and death and what that really means. How one day we can be here and the next day we aren't. Where we go, how our memory lives on or doesn't live on.
I was always told that I read into things too much. That I always think there's a back story or ulterior motive behind everything. When it came down to things like religion, it seemed way to illogical to even make sense. How can millions of people believe that kind of stuff? How can intelligent people be fooled into believing something so contradicting and irrational? Even the really simple stuff, I'd read into. How a bag of salted nuts on my desk reflects how people like different things. Stupid things; Like how fences around houses represent the fence around our selves; the masks we wear to prevent people from seeing our vulnerabilities. And even though I'm constantly told that I should just start accepting things as they are, I feel like my opinions; my thoughts; regardless of how irrelevant they are to the subject, shed light on a numerous array of things that people face everyday.
I know I'm nothing special; don't get me wrong. I'm just an average teenager. My past may not be one that most people experience and my views on things may not be either. However; I honestly don't see a problem with that. When I went through my religious stage, I was often told that 'God' gave me this life for a reason. He gave it to me because he knows that I can handle it. And although I definitely don't believe in God and I'm not entirely sure that my life was even planned out before it began, like fate or something, I do know is that it doesn't matter what kind of life I had. It doesn't matter if I grew up in the perfect de facto family with my parents still married and I was one of 2.5 kids. I just know that regardless of the circumstances, life is ultimately what I make of it. If I chose to keep living with one foot in the past and one foot in the present, I'd be in a bit of a predicament that somewhat represents Will Ferrell on the escalator in the movie 'Elf'.
So yes, I want to be heard. Partly, because it's just an innate desire to be heard. Mainly because I've done a pretty damn good job turning my life around and making something of my shitty childhood. It gave me the ability to see things in a way that other people may not. To 'read into things too much' and understand life like the majority of people cannot. I want to be heard because I know for a fact that although I use analogy's like salted pistachios sitting on my desk, I present a valid point that deserves to be listened too. I've worked too hard to be left silent. I guess it's just a little discouraging to put in so much effort for it to go unnoticed. Don't misinterprate what I've said, please. I don't want people to acknowledge my hard work regarding turning my life around and bettering my situation, because that has nothing to do with anyone else and I am the soul beneficiary of that. I just want people to listen to what I've learnt during my journey. I just want to be heard.
Betrayal and reactions.
About a week ago, my mum posted a picture on Facebook of a little girl I had never seen before. It was captioned with 'My Grand daughter + 1st Birthday Cake = Very Happy Girl' and I sat there for about 5 seconds trying to work out who the heck that was, when it hit me. That little girl is my brothers daughter. For anyone lost here, I suggest you go read my post 'It's better in than out'
I already knew he had a kid. However; I never even thought about it. You'd think I'd be betrayed. I'd be hurt or something. But I'm not. I'm honestly not even surprised that she'd go see him. It isn't beneath her. Yet, I don't think that's the reason I'm not hurt and it only really dawned on me why. I am in slight denial. Even though it's logical that this little girl is infact my niece and my brothers daughter. A part of me is denying that fact. A part of me is considering that perhaps I misunderstood the caption and the little girl is actually somehow her granddaughter through other methods. I know that's basically impossible and I know that this HAS to be my brothers kid, but I just can't accept that. My heart won't let me accept that.
When I first saw the photo; I cried. Only for a second. I honestly think I cried because I was trying to react how I should have been reacting. I think I cried, because that's what a normal person would do. I know they say everybody deals with things differently, but I know that the way I'm dealing with this, doesn't actually involve with dealing with anything at all. Which is how I cope and how people should cope, because it works. I told my two best friends when I was a drunk mess and one was supportive, understanding why I should feel betrayed. The other one said that 'family is always family and no matter what they do, we will always love them' - basically meaning that I shouldn't feel hurt, because he is her son and she will always love him regardless of what happens.
I think the lesson I've learnt from this so far is that; when we feel we aren't reacting 'normally', we spend time trying to alter our feelings and subsequently, this hinders us from healing.
I know when I really came to terms with the fact that I was raped, I spent ages trying to make myself respond to it the way a normal person would. I tried blaming myself and I tried hating myself. I tried hating him.
There's things in my way of acting that clearly reflect my past. I generally don't like to be hugged. I used to really hate kissing. When I lost my voluntary virginity, the guy kept insisting we kiss and I felt beyond uncomfortable and he noticed that. Nether-the-less, my reactions were not what were portrayed on Law and Order SVU and this made me spend time digging my hole deeper, rather than trying to climb to the top.
It genuinely comes down to what works best for you. I found that in most ways, not talking about our problems is beneficial. I found that not caring about something that is usually considered as a big deal, doesn't mean you're responding incorrectly; It means you're dealing with it in your own way. Most of all; I have learnt that it is not imperative to try and make yourself react to something; because this is simply counter productive.
I already knew he had a kid. However; I never even thought about it. You'd think I'd be betrayed. I'd be hurt or something. But I'm not. I'm honestly not even surprised that she'd go see him. It isn't beneath her. Yet, I don't think that's the reason I'm not hurt and it only really dawned on me why. I am in slight denial. Even though it's logical that this little girl is infact my niece and my brothers daughter. A part of me is denying that fact. A part of me is considering that perhaps I misunderstood the caption and the little girl is actually somehow her granddaughter through other methods. I know that's basically impossible and I know that this HAS to be my brothers kid, but I just can't accept that. My heart won't let me accept that.
When I first saw the photo; I cried. Only for a second. I honestly think I cried because I was trying to react how I should have been reacting. I think I cried, because that's what a normal person would do. I know they say everybody deals with things differently, but I know that the way I'm dealing with this, doesn't actually involve with dealing with anything at all. Which is how I cope and how people should cope, because it works. I told my two best friends when I was a drunk mess and one was supportive, understanding why I should feel betrayed. The other one said that 'family is always family and no matter what they do, we will always love them' - basically meaning that I shouldn't feel hurt, because he is her son and she will always love him regardless of what happens.
I think the lesson I've learnt from this so far is that; when we feel we aren't reacting 'normally', we spend time trying to alter our feelings and subsequently, this hinders us from healing.
I know when I really came to terms with the fact that I was raped, I spent ages trying to make myself respond to it the way a normal person would. I tried blaming myself and I tried hating myself. I tried hating him.
There's things in my way of acting that clearly reflect my past. I generally don't like to be hugged. I used to really hate kissing. When I lost my voluntary virginity, the guy kept insisting we kiss and I felt beyond uncomfortable and he noticed that. Nether-the-less, my reactions were not what were portrayed on Law and Order SVU and this made me spend time digging my hole deeper, rather than trying to climb to the top.
It genuinely comes down to what works best for you. I found that in most ways, not talking about our problems is beneficial. I found that not caring about something that is usually considered as a big deal, doesn't mean you're responding incorrectly; It means you're dealing with it in your own way. Most of all; I have learnt that it is not imperative to try and make yourself react to something; because this is simply counter productive.
It's 5:30 am, I have no friends. Just appreciate me haha
Before tonight, I'd only ever witnessed a shooting star when I was debilitatingly intoxicated. As I sat outside, in the 2.9 degree weather, looking up at the sky smoking my last cigarette, it dawned on me that Albury and I have a bitter sweet relationship. I know, that in Melbourne, because of the illumination caused by the suburban lights and city skyscrapers, it is rare to see a shooting star, but tonight, I saw 3. As I gazed into the night sky for the short length of my cigarette, I couldn't help but consider how small we are. And as I took my last drag and my vision of the sky was clouded with smoke, it also made me consider how big we are too.
Some people claim that 10% of the stars we look at in the night sky, no longer exist. They are dead but we see them because their light continues to travel towards earth. As I shut the door, ending the connection between the sky and I, I was left wondering if we too leave light after we die. Whether we can continue to shine well after our years have passed. I never took one history class, even in the younger years where under some curriculum's it was compulsory, so please excuse me if I fail to recall even brighter lights left illuminating the earth, but when I think of people who have made a real difference in the world, I think of Martin Luther King, who's values of non violent civil rights still impact the way we live our lives and respect minorities.
Winston Churchill who inspired the British population to continue the fight against Hitler and the Nazi's and to stand up for what was right, which was the value of all lives regardless of race or religion. Abraham Lincoln, who ended slavery in the United States of America. Even, potentially, Jesus Christ.
In the grand scheme of things, we consider those people, individuals who changed the world. Yet, could we not consider everybody having some form of impact on the world. In the sense that, even though we gaze out into the stars only to be reminded that we are a tiny, tiny aspect of the universe. However; we have such great impact on our surroundings. As independent individuals, it is almost inevitable that we will affect someone or something in the world. Whether it be as great as eradicating slavery, providing minorities with the same rights as everybody else or standing up for the lives of every human being. Or as small, yet sufficient as respecting those around us, loving one another and supporting one another. We stand to prove as a greater force than expected.
However; with that said, perhaps in contrast to this theory, do people still alive continue to exist, yet shine no light? Are there people in this world who live for themselves and have no impact on anybody anywhere? Are there people who exist, but not live? Individuals who survive but not support?
So as I leave my thoughts of the small stars contrasting against the giant universe, I am left to consider that maybe just like the stars light eventually dims, does ours too?
Some people claim that 10% of the stars we look at in the night sky, no longer exist. They are dead but we see them because their light continues to travel towards earth. As I shut the door, ending the connection between the sky and I, I was left wondering if we too leave light after we die. Whether we can continue to shine well after our years have passed. I never took one history class, even in the younger years where under some curriculum's it was compulsory, so please excuse me if I fail to recall even brighter lights left illuminating the earth, but when I think of people who have made a real difference in the world, I think of Martin Luther King, who's values of non violent civil rights still impact the way we live our lives and respect minorities.
Winston Churchill who inspired the British population to continue the fight against Hitler and the Nazi's and to stand up for what was right, which was the value of all lives regardless of race or religion. Abraham Lincoln, who ended slavery in the United States of America. Even, potentially, Jesus Christ.
In the grand scheme of things, we consider those people, individuals who changed the world. Yet, could we not consider everybody having some form of impact on the world. In the sense that, even though we gaze out into the stars only to be reminded that we are a tiny, tiny aspect of the universe. However; we have such great impact on our surroundings. As independent individuals, it is almost inevitable that we will affect someone or something in the world. Whether it be as great as eradicating slavery, providing minorities with the same rights as everybody else or standing up for the lives of every human being. Or as small, yet sufficient as respecting those around us, loving one another and supporting one another. We stand to prove as a greater force than expected.
However; with that said, perhaps in contrast to this theory, do people still alive continue to exist, yet shine no light? Are there people in this world who live for themselves and have no impact on anybody anywhere? Are there people who exist, but not live? Individuals who survive but not support?
So as I leave my thoughts of the small stars contrasting against the giant universe, I am left to consider that maybe just like the stars light eventually dims, does ours too?
Bad Thoughts; Bad Teachers and Bad Outcomes.
Guiz, dis post iz relly scarry nd itz da ferst tym ive cum out bout wot happenz in mi hed so im sorrie if it herts ur fealings. I jus got 2 da point were i waz reedii 2 share. so plz b respektfull and understande dat this aint me n e more and I am not dis wai N E more. fanks.
I'd always been a bit of a cyberchondriac (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyberchondria) - look, even diagnosing my diagnosing issue. Anyway, in 2011 (year 11), one of my teachers started emphasising my lack of empathy. So one day I asked her if she thought I was a Socio-path and she responded with what defines a sociopath and said after that 'yes, you quite possibly could be.' This lead to me taking internet test after internet test to 'see what mental illness you have' or 'which personality disorder do you have' and I never really got high results in the sociopathy range but I did in the borderline and the narcissistic areas. I spent a while contemplating my likelihood of having this and my lack of ability to do anything about it but then I got over it and went back to thinking I was normal.
So in 2012 after a few events where I almost got expelled from school, I fell pretty deeply. I don't think anyone really noticed it but it was hell. For the first few weeks after nearly getting kicked out, my life was hell. I lost the last bit of enjoyment I found in school and I just lost a general excitement for life. Not only this, but my grades came tumbling down and my anger for the world and for the people who had put me in the situation I was in accelerated (I kind of put myself in the situation but it was taken way out of proportion and expulsion should have never been on the cards). I can't say I have the right to blame my teacher because I'm pretty sure it was inevitable to happen and sooner or later, something was ought to set me off sooner or later.
Anyway, after all that went down, I went through a really, really bad anger problem. Anything set me off and I literally got to the stage where I considered killing people. I visualised their murder and I imagined their faces as I took away all they have. I always said back then, that if I ever got to the point where I was going to kill myself, I would have absolutely no hesitations taking a group of people with me. I also used to think that if Australia had American gun laws, I probably would have been the culprit of a harsh and disgusting massacre, had I not loved myself too much either. So yeah, I got to this new stage where I was genuinely convinced I was a sociopath and instead of trying to get over it, I embraced it. I used to ask people all these sly questions like 'how would you kill someone without getting away with it?' and 'how would you kill yourself?' - I hated everyone
Maybe I convinced myself of this because I'd cyber-diagnosed myself with sociopathy or maybe I genuinely did hate every one. I invented this thing called the hate list and it was basically a ranking of everyone I hated, a top, a bottom and the inbetween. The only person not on it was my dad.
People have no idea of what was in my mind. I've gotten to the point where I have to teach myself techniques to stop thinking bad thoughts. Back then, it was everyday and every night. Now, it only comes to me sometimes when I'm trying to sleep. It's horrible. I see people trying to rape me, I see me killing people, I visualise torturing people and I watch myself laugh at this. And I can't get this out of my head. Back then, it was debilitating, infact, it still is. When I'm lying in bed trying to fall asleep and an image of me with a knife in my hand, hacking away at someone pops in my head. It takes everything inside of me to get my mind off this thought. I try focussing on my breathing, I try thinking of what I'm doing tomorrow or what I did that day. In the end, sometimes it takes getting up, turning the lights on and watching a video on youtube or something to get it off my mind.
In the past 6 months, I started getting alot closer to someone. She listens to my late night rants and sometimes I send her excerpts of my blog posts for her to read. I started telling her that I'm not like other people. I don't think like other people and she just kept trying to tell me that I'm more normal than I think and more normal than someone who has had my life should be. I don't think so. I don't think it's normal for people to have those thoughts in their mind.
I got over my 'phase' - if that's what you can call it.
I don't want to kill anyone, I feel sorry for people - sometimes, maybe
The awful visualisations in my head are recurring less and less and I don't really have that much of an anger issue anymore.
I'm sorting my shit out. One step at a time, or one less day dream at a time.
It's hard and honestly, I didn't actually comprehend how hard or how big of a deal it was until literally now, writing this post.
Seriously, if anyone else has these thoughts and doesn't want them, please email me. I have something to tell you just between us. It helped me and it can help you too for just $29.95 a month.
I'm kidding, I will share my knowledge for free.
xoxo gossip god.
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