My mother always used to tell me ‘I don’t like you but I do
love you’ and I could easily say the feeling is mutual. You can’t pick your
family and this was made blatantly obvious as I was stuck growing with my
welfare worker turned retail assistant turned car mechanic turned bus mechanic,
now enrolled nurse and on again off again lesbian but never bi sexual mother.
My mother is described as the crazy cat lady in her neighbourhood of Beverly
Hills, NSW and this description couldn’t be any more accurate. My bipolar
mother, named Rachel, has 5 kids with 4 different fathers, 7 cats, has lived in
4 out of the 8 states and territories and is self-described as ‘bored of things
very easily’. On top of all this, she has had a stroke which has left her unable
to smell or taste, a limp and unexplained stomach and headaches.
Hospital visits and suicide attempts weren’t a rare thing in
my mother’s life. I don’t think she really wanted to die, but at the time, I
believed that she did. The worst part about the situation I found us in was
that you can never feel any more unimportant when your own parent wants to end
their life with a total disregard to your own.
It all began in 2006, doctors describe it as a time bomb that was
waiting to go off, I describe it as an event that was aided by the use of
illicit drugs and stress. On November 3rd
2006, my mum returned from a 1.5 week stay in a mental facility diagnosed with
Manic Depression/Bi polar disorder. To be honest, all I genuinely believe she
should have been diagnosed with was hypochondria but doctors know best. For the entire 2 years I resided with her, her
life consisted of trips to and from the hospital that sometimes lasted a few
months. So as a 12 year old girl, I was stuck looking after my then 5 and 7
year old siblings. Nothing speeds up your maturity than being placed in a
parental role when you yourself are still a child.
Between the years of 2001 and 2004, the crazy cat lady lived
in a 2 bedroom apartment in the centre of Carlton, NSW. Each school holidays, I
would take the 65 minute flight in order to see her. The Carlton house was
lonely and cold. My younger brother who was 2 and I were often left alone as
mother dearest would go out for sometimes hours on end. At night time, the head
lights of cars passing by would shine through the window and draw patterns on
the roof and in the day time, the sky light was dimmed out with cardboard boxes
and the TV would be blaring the tunes from kid shows across the house. Meals
consisted of canned spaghetti and Devon and tomato sauce sandwiches and the
amount of times we left the house would be minimal. I believe that people learn
the most from the times they are alone. It gives us time to reflect and review
all that is going on in our lives. As a 17 year old, I find myself having deep
thoughts about the size of the earth compared to the universe and all the different
thinks that make society function. But as a 7 year old, I found myself having
thoughts about when mum would come home and where she was going. Eventually,
dad found out about the life I was living during the holidays and I wasn’t
allowed up for a while.
Rachel has never been able to make up her mind or stick with
something long enough. She describes herself as someone who easily gets bored
and that gives a clear indication as to why she goes through a sensationalised
amount of careers and partners. In my lifetime, I can recall her working in 4
different areas of careers. This doesn’t actually account for the amount of
jobs she’s had in those areas. Her career decisions provide obvious reflections
as to how quickly she can not only move on from something but also someone. My
mother is known for going through partners as she is jobs. Whilst she has held
some steady relationships, most are quick ones that she only really ever got
into for her own benefit and profit.
