living vs existing

There was once a time in my life when I was so miserable and feeling so hopeless that I would spend my entire day sorting through the patches of grass near my property looking for four leaf clovers. Most of the time, I came home with a few and I would then put them into a seal lock bag with a piece of paper that had all my wishes on there. Usually, being a fairly superstitious person, I wouldn't tell you the wishes but considering the fact that the most important one has come true, I think it's okay to do so. I don't really remember them all, just the top wish, the one that belonged to the biggest clover.
'Make me happy'

However, I don't know if being happy is really all it's jacked up to be. For a very long time, when I finally sorted my life out, I actually wanted to be miserable again. I wanted something bad to happen in my life again so I could go back to square one. I wonder whether that was because at the time, when I was 'happy' and had bouts of sadness, I didn't feel it was justified seeing I had moved on from my past or whether it was because I'd known what the feeling of hopelessness felt like and was more comfortable sitting in my own pool of sadness rather than that of joy.

On my bedroom wall, I have a poster which has all these different questions (http://thoughtquestions.com/) and one of those is this;

Sometimes I wonder if we're even 'living' when we're happy and whether we're merely 'existing' when we're miserable. 

Wrinkles and Retirement

In an attempt to distract me from the past, I tend to focus on the future alot. That often, that I frequently miss out on alot of spontaneity and living in the moment. People always tell me I plan to much; which is true. But ironically, I'm also very un-organised.

In my plans, my future consists of wealth, happiness and growing to an old age. However, that got me thinking that when everyone thinks of their future, they always just assume they're going to grow old and prosperous.

Australias female life expectancy is that of around 84 and with all variations kept in consideration like the how the indigenous life expectancy is around 15 years less and the rate of fatal incidents.

But what if we don't grow old. What if we're one of those people that don't actually reach the age of wrinkles and retirement. We may die of cancer, a car accident or just a freak incident. But we usually don't even consider that this could possibly occur in our lives.

I questioned someone on their thoughts on this possibility and they just said 'We never consider that happening because we fear it' - Maybe like we fear looking back on the painful things in our life, we fear looking forward at the potential hurt.

I'd like to have all the answers in this world but realistically, I don't  And now all I can do is consider the options rather than be ignorant.