I don't know if its entirely accurate to say that I've been suicidal, but I've definitely considered it a fair few times in the past week or so. I'm at this stage where I'm angry at myself. SO SO ANGRY. Simply because I am not strong enough to kill myself. I've had alot of problems recently. I'm not sure if it's because I've been talking/thinking about life more than usual or if it's actually because alot is going on. I think death was something that generally was on my mind more than usual but recently it's something I think about more than once a day. I'm not sure if I want to die or if I just want to get out of here. I don't have the courage to kill myself. The problem is that it's not something I would plan. I have been driving to work and to other places and I have the urge to just speed up and run into a tree. I can't do it though.
I know this post is stupid. I know that if I was to kill myself, I wouldn't tell anyone/talk about it. I'm writing this so I know that because I've spoken about it, I won't do it. It's so bittersweet. I want to do it, but I don't want to do it.
I haven't hit bottom yet. You'd think that snorting drugs and getting drunk by myself is bottom. Apparently not. So, I guess I don't know what I'm doing hey. I think suicide is strong. I think that it's courageous. I am not strong. I am not courageous. I don't even know how I'd do it.
I'm scared.
