Guiz, dis post iz relly scarry nd itz da ferst tym ive cum out bout wot happenz in mi hed so im sorrie if it herts ur fealings. I jus got 2 da point were i waz reedii 2 share. so plz b respektfull and understande dat this aint me n e more and I am not dis wai N E more. fanks.
I'd always been a bit of a cyberchondriac (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyberchondria) - look, even diagnosing my diagnosing issue. Anyway, in 2011 (year 11), one of my teachers started emphasising my lack of empathy. So one day I asked her if she thought I was a Socio-path and she responded with what defines a sociopath and said after that 'yes, you quite possibly could be.' This lead to me taking internet test after internet test to 'see what mental illness you have' or 'which personality disorder do you have' and I never really got high results in the sociopathy range but I did in the borderline and the narcissistic areas. I spent a while contemplating my likelihood of having this and my lack of ability to do anything about it but then I got over it and went back to thinking I was normal.
So in 2012 after a few events where I almost got expelled from school, I fell pretty deeply. I don't think anyone really noticed it but it was hell. For the first few weeks after nearly getting kicked out, my life was hell. I lost the last bit of enjoyment I found in school and I just lost a general excitement for life. Not only this, but my grades came tumbling down and my anger for the world and for the people who had put me in the situation I was in accelerated (I kind of put myself in the situation but it was taken way out of proportion and expulsion should have never been on the cards). I can't say I have the right to blame my teacher because I'm pretty sure it was inevitable to happen and sooner or later, something was ought to set me off sooner or later.
Anyway, after all that went down, I went through a really, really bad anger problem. Anything set me off and I literally got to the stage where I considered killing people. I visualised their murder and I imagined their faces as I took away all they have. I always said back then, that if I ever got to the point where I was going to kill myself, I would have absolutely no hesitations taking a group of people with me. I also used to think that if Australia had American gun laws, I probably would have been the culprit of a harsh and disgusting massacre, had I not loved myself too much either. So yeah, I got to this new stage where I was genuinely convinced I was a sociopath and instead of trying to get over it, I embraced it. I used to ask people all these sly questions like 'how would you kill someone without getting away with it?' and 'how would you kill yourself?' - I hated everyone
Maybe I convinced myself of this because I'd cyber-diagnosed myself with sociopathy or maybe I genuinely did hate every one. I invented this thing called the hate list and it was basically a ranking of everyone I hated, a top, a bottom and the inbetween. The only person not on it was my dad.
People have no idea of what was in my mind. I've gotten to the point where I have to teach myself techniques to stop thinking bad thoughts. Back then, it was everyday and every night. Now, it only comes to me sometimes when I'm trying to sleep. It's horrible. I see people trying to rape me, I see me killing people, I visualise torturing people and I watch myself laugh at this. And I can't get this out of my head. Back then, it was debilitating, infact, it still is. When I'm lying in bed trying to fall asleep and an image of me with a knife in my hand, hacking away at someone pops in my head. It takes everything inside of me to get my mind off this thought. I try focussing on my breathing, I try thinking of what I'm doing tomorrow or what I did that day. In the end, sometimes it takes getting up, turning the lights on and watching a video on youtube or something to get it off my mind.
In the past 6 months, I started getting alot closer to someone. She listens to my late night rants and sometimes I send her excerpts of my blog posts for her to read. I started telling her that I'm not like other people. I don't think like other people and she just kept trying to tell me that I'm more normal than I think and more normal than someone who has had my life should be. I don't think so. I don't think it's normal for people to have those thoughts in their mind.
I got over my 'phase' - if that's what you can call it.
I don't want to kill anyone, I feel sorry for people - sometimes, maybe
The awful visualisations in my head are recurring less and less and I don't really have that much of an anger issue anymore.
I'm sorting my shit out. One step at a time, or one less day dream at a time.
It's hard and honestly, I didn't actually comprehend how hard or how big of a deal it was until literally now, writing this post.
Seriously, if anyone else has these thoughts and doesn't want them, please email me. I have something to tell you just between us. It helped me and it can help you too for just $29.95 a month.
I'm kidding, I will share my knowledge for free.
xoxo gossip god.
