Beaten Women Syndrome and Production lines of Emotional Processes

I know it sounds terrible, but it really bothers me when I read, hear or see people with worse lives than me. 
The reason I say this at this point in time is because I just watched a documentary about the exploitation of children in the USA into commercial sex trade i.e prostitution through pimps - called 'Very Young Girls'

As unbelievable as it may seem, there's lots of my life that I haven't actually posted about. Of course, I didn't have a pimp who sold me on the streets, but there's some things that I will probably never post on this blog. However; in context. I look at peoples' lives in documentaries like 'Bully' and books like 'broken' by Shy Keenan and I just can't help but wish I had experienced more than I have. I think, without sounding a certain way in terms of self pity, it's not hard to notice that there have been plenty of things in my life that no one should have to go through let alone a child. But now I'm over it/not in it any more, I kind of want it back. 

I think I feel this way because I wish I had something to justify the way I feel now. What I mean by that, is that sometimes I feel like because I have made it through everything and I have a pretty good life right now, I don't really have a right to complain or a right to feel sad.

Not only do I wish my life was still terrible and/or I could go back to 2007 emotions because I want justification of my feelings, but I also miss that life. The only way I can think of explaining it is the 'beaten woman syndrome' - When woman who are beaten by their husbands/boyfriends still go back to them despite the abuse. I don't know why woman want to go back and I don't know why I want to either. I know it's a ridiculous thing to say, because I seem to have what so many people are looking for; which is a good present life. 

I can't pinpoint why I miss the feelings of depression, why I miss the self harm and suicide idealisations/attempts or why I crave the emotions I experienced back when it was really bad. I feel like the way people treat us on the journey from our most critical, sensitive time as the wounds are fresh and we're just starting our pursuit of happiness to the point where we actually achieve a sense of contentment is similar to that of a production line (and yes, I mean the type in a factory). It's almost as though, once you get to the stage of the journey that I am now seen to be at, no one really cares anymore. In the beginning, when people first meet you at your lowest point, they're there for you, always wanting to help you and talk through your problems with you. Then; once you're happy/'fixed'/better, they leave, going on to the next person/product. But it's like they're not there when the person/product becomes faulty. I know that sounds stupid. Comparing the road to happiness through the support of others to a production line, but in 'long story-short terms', all I'm saying is that people don't care about you once you recover. 

Maybe I wish my life had been worse, or was currently worse because I want the feeling of being loved and cared about by people back. I don't entirely think it can be classified as 'sympathy seeking' but rather missing the treatment people gave me when they knew how awful my life was and how messed up I was from it. Or maybe I just wish my life had been worse, or was currently worse because I'm fucked in the head. 

I look at these children and these teenagers and these women who have their lives spread all over a documentary book/TV show/website and I know their lives are so much worse than mine, whether it be currently or previously and I find it hard to not be repressed back into the feelings of wanting to go back to the critical points in life, where I had to deal with wanting to die everyday and wondering when I can get my next hit or my next experience. 

It's almost like we wan't what we don't have. I'm happy, I want sad. I was sad, I wanted happy.