About a week ago, my mum posted a picture on Facebook of a little girl I had never seen before. It was captioned with 'My Grand daughter + 1st Birthday Cake = Very Happy Girl' and I sat there for about 5 seconds trying to work out who the heck that was, when it hit me. That little girl is my brothers daughter. For anyone lost here, I suggest you go read my post 'It's better in than out'
I already knew he had a kid. However; I never even thought about it. You'd think I'd be betrayed. I'd be hurt or something. But I'm not. I'm honestly not even surprised that she'd go see him. It isn't beneath her. Yet, I don't think that's the reason I'm not hurt and it only really dawned on me why. I am in slight denial. Even though it's logical that this little girl is infact my niece and my brothers daughter. A part of me is denying that fact. A part of me is considering that perhaps I misunderstood the caption and the little girl is actually somehow her granddaughter through other methods. I know that's basically impossible and I know that this HAS to be my brothers kid, but I just can't accept that. My heart won't let me accept that.
When I first saw the photo; I cried. Only for a second. I honestly think I cried because I was trying to react how I should have been reacting. I think I cried, because that's what a normal person would do. I know they say everybody deals with things differently, but I know that the way I'm dealing with this, doesn't actually involve with dealing with anything at all. Which is how I cope and how people should cope, because it works. I told my two best friends when I was a drunk mess and one was supportive, understanding why I should feel betrayed. The other one said that 'family is always family and no matter what they do, we will always love them' - basically meaning that I shouldn't feel hurt, because he is her son and she will always love him regardless of what happens.
I think the lesson I've learnt from this so far is that; when we feel we aren't reacting 'normally', we spend time trying to alter our feelings and subsequently, this hinders us from healing.
I know when I really came to terms with the fact that I was raped, I spent ages trying to make myself respond to it the way a normal person would. I tried blaming myself and I tried hating myself. I tried hating him.
There's things in my way of acting that clearly reflect my past. I generally don't like to be hugged. I used to really hate kissing. When I lost my voluntary virginity, the guy kept insisting we kiss and I felt beyond uncomfortable and he noticed that. Nether-the-less, my reactions were not what were portrayed on Law and Order SVU and this made me spend time digging my hole deeper, rather than trying to climb to the top.
It genuinely comes down to what works best for you. I found that in most ways, not talking about our problems is beneficial. I found that not caring about something that is usually considered as a big deal, doesn't mean you're responding incorrectly; It means you're dealing with it in your own way. Most of all; I have learnt that it is not imperative to try and make yourself react to something; because this is simply counter productive.
