Every time I log off my normal Gmail account and into this anonymous one, I for some reason hope and genuinely consider the possibility that my view count has dramatically risen and aknifeinagunfight has become popular. Not for the popularity and that high you get when you know people like you, but so I know I'm being heard. I think that's what everyone really wants though. Some people self harm so that their voice can be noticed. Others are over confident and loud, so someone acknowledges what they're saying. Others are humble and patiently waiting for their chance for someone to listen.
Ever since I was little, I always thought that my thoughts were not normal. I know in previous posts, I've mentioned my past sociopathic tendencies, but this is not what I mean. I always considered my opinion on things to be mature for my age and in some cases, mature for any age. When I was 7, I was asking myself who I am. How someone can adopt a personality and how we came about to exist. It never did and still doesn't make sense to me. When I was 12, I was thinking about suicide. Life and death and what that really means. How one day we can be here and the next day we aren't. Where we go, how our memory lives on or doesn't live on.
I was always told that I read into things too much. That I always think there's a back story or ulterior motive behind everything. When it came down to things like religion, it seemed way to illogical to even make sense. How can millions of people believe that kind of stuff? How can intelligent people be fooled into believing something so contradicting and irrational? Even the really simple stuff, I'd read into. How a bag of salted nuts on my desk reflects how people like different things. Stupid things; Like how fences around houses represent the fence around our selves; the masks we wear to prevent people from seeing our vulnerabilities. And even though I'm constantly told that I should just start accepting things as they are, I feel like my opinions; my thoughts; regardless of how irrelevant they are to the subject, shed light on a numerous array of things that people face everyday.
I know I'm nothing special; don't get me wrong. I'm just an average teenager. My past may not be one that most people experience and my views on things may not be either. However; I honestly don't see a problem with that. When I went through my religious stage, I was often told that 'God' gave me this life for a reason. He gave it to me because he knows that I can handle it. And although I definitely don't believe in God and I'm not entirely sure that my life was even planned out before it began, like fate or something, I do know is that it doesn't matter what kind of life I had. It doesn't matter if I grew up in the perfect de facto family with my parents still married and I was one of 2.5 kids. I just know that regardless of the circumstances, life is ultimately what I make of it. If I chose to keep living with one foot in the past and one foot in the present, I'd be in a bit of a predicament that somewhat represents Will Ferrell on the escalator in the movie 'Elf'.
So yes, I want to be heard. Partly, because it's just an innate desire to be heard. Mainly because I've done a pretty damn good job turning my life around and making something of my shitty childhood. It gave me the ability to see things in a way that other people may not. To 'read into things too much' and understand life like the majority of people cannot. I want to be heard because I know for a fact that although I use analogy's like salted pistachios sitting on my desk, I present a valid point that deserves to be listened too. I've worked too hard to be left silent. I guess it's just a little discouraging to put in so much effort for it to go unnoticed. Don't misinterprate what I've said, please. I don't want people to acknowledge my hard work regarding turning my life around and bettering my situation, because that has nothing to do with anyone else and I am the soul beneficiary of that. I just want people to listen to what I've learnt during my journey. I just want to be heard.
