Whether it is due to the ‘genetic lottery’ or that of my
acquired critical attitude, I, Sarah, am misanthropic, apathetic and malevolent.
Perhaps something went wrong in the womb or something went wrong in my life,
but generally, I have a complete hate for people which in turn alters the
relationships I have with people.
It is often assumed that when I tell people ‘I don’t like
having many friends’ that it is just an excuse to make up for the fact that I
don’t have many friends, but the truth is that because I am so critical and
dislike the majority of society, it not only results in me not wanting to
associate with many people, but impacts the relationships I do have.
Yet, there are instances where it is necessary for me to get
along with those around me, at work and school for instance that I must
suppress my general dislike for the world and attempt to get along with people
in the most appropriate way.
Cee-Lo’s song, which for the sake of appropriateness, will
be referred to as the radio edit ‘Forget You’ is one that I like to consider
the song of my life. However, instead of only aiming the chorus as people who
are ‘driving ‘round town with the girl I love’ or those who think ‘the change
in my pocket isn’t enough’; I direct it at everybody I know. A part of being
misanthropic is being mean and this is where a lot of the tension in my
friendships and between my enemy and me stems from. When I was younger, I would
describe it as constructive criticism but the reality is that it is just pure
mean-ness. Most of the time, I don’t realise how mean I am to others but there
are instances where I have genuinely damaged people as a result of my bullying
and I used to sit back and think ‘how did I get so good at this?’ Now, I am no
sociopath, in hindsight, I know that I do awful things and now, as an 18 year
old, it’s nowhere near as awful as it was. These days, it’s subconscious snide
remarks and hurtful comments that leave my mouth without going through my mind.
Most people connect apathy, malevolence and misanthropy with
sociopathy and psychopathy but I believe they are very different things. Whilst
a critical person with very few people that I like, I recognise that these are
bad qualities. However; a sociopath is seen as someone who has no sympathy or
empathy for peoples’ sadness and pain, whereas apathy is having no general
excitement for other people’s achievements and times of joy. A sociopath wants
to go out of their way to hurt others and inflict pain on those they hate
whereas misanthropy and malevolence is just having hatred or dislike for
mankind.
Having a general hate for the world and particularly the
majority of people I know is a hindrance on the relationships or potential
relationships I have with people. Although it is seen that I use my hate as an
excuse to cover up the fact that I don’t have many friendships, it is more so a
result of not wanting to be friends with people due to my criticalness of
people. Sociopathy is often a diagnosis that friends and family give to me, yet
hate and malice are two separate things and although hate is the driving force
of malice, the two can be independent. There are times when I need to supress
my dislike for people in order to keep the environment tension free and
comfortable and this tends to show that sacrifice can be required to keep the
peace.
