living vs existing

There was once a time in my life when I was so miserable and feeling so hopeless that I would spend my entire day sorting through the patches of grass near my property looking for four leaf clovers. Most of the time, I came home with a few and I would then put them into a seal lock bag with a piece of paper that had all my wishes on there. Usually, being a fairly superstitious person, I wouldn't tell you the wishes but considering the fact that the most important one has come true, I think it's okay to do so. I don't really remember them all, just the top wish, the one that belonged to the biggest clover.
'Make me happy'

However, I don't know if being happy is really all it's jacked up to be. For a very long time, when I finally sorted my life out, I actually wanted to be miserable again. I wanted something bad to happen in my life again so I could go back to square one. I wonder whether that was because at the time, when I was 'happy' and had bouts of sadness, I didn't feel it was justified seeing I had moved on from my past or whether it was because I'd known what the feeling of hopelessness felt like and was more comfortable sitting in my own pool of sadness rather than that of joy.

On my bedroom wall, I have a poster which has all these different questions (http://thoughtquestions.com/) and one of those is this;

Sometimes I wonder if we're even 'living' when we're happy and whether we're merely 'existing' when we're miserable. 

Wrinkles and Retirement

In an attempt to distract me from the past, I tend to focus on the future alot. That often, that I frequently miss out on alot of spontaneity and living in the moment. People always tell me I plan to much; which is true. But ironically, I'm also very un-organised.

In my plans, my future consists of wealth, happiness and growing to an old age. However, that got me thinking that when everyone thinks of their future, they always just assume they're going to grow old and prosperous.

Australias female life expectancy is that of around 84 and with all variations kept in consideration like the how the indigenous life expectancy is around 15 years less and the rate of fatal incidents.

But what if we don't grow old. What if we're one of those people that don't actually reach the age of wrinkles and retirement. We may die of cancer, a car accident or just a freak incident. But we usually don't even consider that this could possibly occur in our lives.

I questioned someone on their thoughts on this possibility and they just said 'We never consider that happening because we fear it' - Maybe like we fear looking back on the painful things in our life, we fear looking forward at the potential hurt.

I'd like to have all the answers in this world but realistically, I don't  And now all I can do is consider the options rather than be ignorant.

16

16 today. feels so silly saying that. I feel like I'm 10. life, come at me!

Work Experience.

Generally, uncertainty scares me. Since year 7, I've always known what I've wanted to do with my life.
I wanted to be a nurse, have 3 kids and be married by 32 and I want a big house. However; after work experience, I can't say I know what I want to do.

My first week was in a hospital in the midwifery ward and my second week was at Coles. I came out of work experience with only one certainty and that was that I never want to work at a supermarket full time. I did however, come out considering that maybe I could be a midwife one day.

It's quite contradicting to my personality that I want to take up a career that involves helping people but after a few stints in hospital, I definitely knew that nursing was the option for me.

 I don't know where life is going to take me and as VCE comes scarily closer, I have to start making decisions as to what path I'm going to venture down.

I do know that I'm no longer scared to an extent of where the world is going to take me and I just have to say that work experience was one of the most valuable things to ever happen. That's mah storeh

Who am I?

I can re-call when I was six; staring into the mirror, back at my reflection and thinking 'Who am I?'

Obviously the smart arse response would be for one to tell me my name, but it wasn't like that.

At such a young age, when other little girls were playing with their barbie dolls, dancing around to spice girls in their pretty pink miniskirts and light up shoes that flashed everytime they took a step, I was trying to find an answer to a question that we may never know. A common thought that crosses my mind is that if we were born in another country or a different family would we still be the same person with the same thoughts? 

how come I can move my arm here and say what I am thinking out-loud so another person can consider the same thoughts. Why do I like to play soccer but 'Lucy' likes to play basketball.

I didn't know it was abnormal for me to think this so young. I thought they were questions that all children asked themselves. but is this not where we are left now. At an age where we can understand our lives.

I am often left questioning, even as a 15 year old; 'What makes me, me and you, you?'

How are we so different, yet so alike? 

there's a movie called 'the happening' and it's about a air born disease that is released by trees and causes people to kill themselves. At the end of the movie, the scientist states 'It was just an act of nature and we will never understand' - Is that where our questions belong? In the 'never understand' box where they can wither as we pretend we are so happy to continue with our lives so cluelessly?